Surgeon General: UnitedLeagues Causes Magnetism
2/1/2010 3:34:00 PM
By Leonard Brown, Associated Press Writers – Mon Feb 1, 4:34 pm ET
It has been reported today that the Center for Disease Control and the Public Health Service Commissioned Corps have issued a statement both condemning the United Leagues from further expansion, and placing in effect a shelter in place quarantine on existing members. Reasoning behind this can only be explained behind the bizarre occurrence of members being hit by buses. Though, at first, thought to be an extraordinary occurrence, it has been confirmed that there may be a link between The United Leagues and an extreme case of magnetism.
A few years ago, United Leagues Partner, Chris "Casper" was struck by a bus while crossing a street in New York. It turns out Casper was not transparent enough to pass through the bus unscathed. Luckily he has made a full recovery, but was his own foolishness, or the bus driver's incompetence really to blame? These were the only two viable causes to this accident, until a third presented itself recently.
Rob W, a school teacher in Virginia, had been enjoying a nice summer bike ride while on vacation, when he was struck by a bus. This startling second incident has created an uproar on the east coast, and United Leagues members are trying their hardest to scrounge up as much body armor as physically possible.
When approached, United Leagues VIP Member Oz was quoted as saying, "This is an outrage. I didn't sign up for this stuff. And now the government is trying to stick me in a closet and not let me out until they find a cure? What the *expletive deleted* kind of racket is this?"
United Leagues Owner, JM Henry was unable to be reached, but there is speculation that this man may be behind the phenomenon.